This has been quite a different experience than my first 40 day sadhana. Then I was pushed forward by all the amazing things I was learning and experiencing. Then I occasionally did less than 31 minutes, but when I practiced 31 minutes the time flew by.
Not this go around. I'm not gonna lie. It was tough. Each time I practiced I felt the seconds tick by slowly. My body wouldn't sit still most of the time. My mind continually resisted. I would put it off until evening most days, one day I got started at about 11:20 p.m. (not proud to admit it).
But I persisted.
I reached out for help when I needed it from a friend doing the same meditation - only she was approaching 365 days. One of the things that made it difficult for me was that once I began I knew this time it wasn't going to be just 40 days. The number that was given to me then was 120. So I continued, knowing I needed to make this a real habit to reach that number, all the while wondering how I would make it. During this time I was reminded that this meditation is great for generational healing if done for a year. So for now, my goal is 365 days....but I have a hunch that number will grow as well.
An interesting thing occurred on day 41. I felt fear for continuing my sadhana and the changes that it was going to bring. Real fear. I sensed this was because now the real work was to begin. (God has been somewhat quiet as I plowed on for this sadhana.) Now, I know that this is why I practice - to find real, deep level changing that I know won't take place any other way, but fear is not rational. One lesson I've learned is that it's important to feel our feelings, all of them, so I relaxed into the moment and allowed the tears. A mantra came to my mind, one I used a great deal during my first 40 days. (I had forgotten that there was fear involved in those days as well.) The mantra Chattr Chakkr Vertee is used in a meditation for eliminating fears. It is so beautiful that I memorized it during my first 40 days so that I could use it at any time. It was nice for it to come to mind when I needed it. My doubts were calmed.
As I practiced kirtan kriya the minutes flew by.
The root of all resistance is fear. Fear of change. Fear of letting go of the oars and allowing God to transform us in the best way only He can. We are taught that we are in control of our lives but I think we forget that this "we" - this "me" image in our mind is the one that we have created over the span of all the years we have lived. We forget that our soul is on a mission, and only God can help us with that. No matter what we may want in this life, there will always be some things that only cause distress and unhappiness when we resist God- even if what we want is righteous.
One brief example of this in my life was my sincere desire to have children. I have never in my life been pregnant. I can't even begin to describe the grief and anguish during the many years of trying - of begging God to bless me in the way that I wanted. But once I let that go, my daughter was born exactly 9 months later through another woman. That was a divine answer enough for me.
So this morning when I was in that stage of waking but trying to talk myself out of getting out of bed and then trying to find reasons why I deserved to stay in bed instead of wake early and meditate, I suddenly had the thought that this isn't about me, this is about God. And I could no long, not for one second, stay in bed. While meditating I learned why I felt distant from God these past weeks: me. That's all. Nothing more. Me and all the things in life that I want, that I feel are sincere and right.
God has a plan for us and I know that before this life we had a say in that plan and knew it was for the best. God knows what is best for our soul's development. No matter how right we think our aspirations are, no matter how right we think we are, there is always something better that we cannot even comprehend.
Let go of the oars. Let go of the fear. Your life is guided by the One who knows more.
Samantha
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